Tuesday, January 1, 2008

On Ishbane

The Ishbane Conspiracy

I don't read a lot of Christian Fiction. At all. Because of this.

I don't even have any complete thoughts on this book yet, I am only 40 pages in, but so far I've learned through immersion that Ouija boards, tarot cards, new age meditation and visualization, lesbianism and pre-marital sex is hell worthy. We knew that much, right?

Its so glaringly bad.

And while I'm no spiritual whiz-kid, I don't really agree with, oh, any of it. The line I just love in the demonic correspondence is "Don't ever let the MTV generation imagine the despicable truth- that the best sex happens among the married."

Now, having been married- twice, I think I'm almost an expert on marital and non-marital sex, having had plenty of both for lots of years. And while the best sex I have ever had is with the man I now call my husband, I have to be honest, it was MUCH better before we got married. Like tie me up and spoon feed me hamburger helper and drink too much wine better. Like violently, awesomely better. Now we grab a condom and hit the timer. Not that bad, but close, my vagina has been scorned and scarred afterall. If you haven't enjoyed some serious perineal tearing you can't imagine how your sex life will decline afterward.

But I digress.

How can someone who, theoretically, has never had sex outside the confines of marriage really write about how much better married sex is? Sure you don't really worry as much about the big PG, people expect it when you're married so a broken condom isn't as huge a deal (not that that bothered us, premaritally speaking), but are you really trying that hard to be awesome if you've already won that gigantic rock on your hand? And how great is this author's marriage-bed, i wonder? Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Alcorn have a mirror on the ceiling or a swing? I demand proof that their marital sex is better than all of the single fucking I did.

So those are my thoughts. May my soul rest in Alcorn's hell for them, but you know, sometimes I just want to slap people and remind them that demon correspondence is impossible because Duh! Demons can't write! The pencil would burn!